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Jim Barthold
Believe it or not, people do occasionally respond to this column. To stretch your imagination even further, these responses aren't always of the adoring nature one would expect, considering the quality of the product.
Of all the things I've written, though, one seems to have struck the most strident chord in the minds of the masses. Written last spring, it used the Dolly Parton ditty "Here You Come Again" to describe the never-ending onslaught of video-on-demand.
Among other things the song lodging in readers' minds like the Gilligan's Island theme. Sticking to business, the general strain of the fan mail was that I knew nothing about video-on-demand and what a wonderful thing it will be for the cable industry when, after 45 years of trying, it finally becomes the killer application and people cluster around their TVs and do things like fast forward, pause and rewind on their cable boxes.
The reaction went something like this:
"Jim, you ignorant slut. What you don't know about video-on-demand could fill the Grand Canyons three times over. Your brains have been fried by too many years on the Cape May beaches or rotted by the New York City waste floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
"How dare you suggest that video-on-demand is outmoded and a waste of hybrid fiber/coax bandwidth? How dare you find the cable industry lacking simply because it can't think of anything better to do than drive a go-cart on an eight-lane superhighway? Who do you think you are to suggest that we, the brightest, most highly paid, best dressed members of the cable industry don't know what we're doing?
"Jim, you degenerate slime, don't bother coming by our trade show booth because we will only diss you.
"Sincerely, the industry's brightest and most innovative."
For those of you who missed it, or, better yet, didn't care, here we go again. Video-on-demand is a cute gimmick that deserves space on a cable system, but it's not the end game-despite what you might have gleaned from last month's Western Snooze in Lost Angeles.
Putting video-on-demand on an HFC network is like attaching an Atlas rocket to a Buick sedan. It boosts the performance and it gives you the feeling of flying, but there's so much an Atlas rocket can do and this just wastes horsepower.
The industry cable could lose its high-speed networks advantage simply because it hasn't produced a "killer application" that differentiates its services from the ever-growing competitive field.
As the acknowledged resident moron, I offer these suggestions of what I think would look great on cable's high-speed networks.
Video-On-Demand. That's right, I support video-on-demand. But I'm not talking about mimicking a VCR or DVD player. I'm talking about ordering a video from Amazon.com and, rather than paying extra for overnight delivery, paying for a high-speed window of bandwidth through which the video, built into a data packet is dumped onto your computer's hard drive, from which it can be burned onto a DVD and placed into a video library. It could actually be dumped directly to a set-top box with a built-in DVD player/recorder using the high-speed network. Rather than paying a little more for Fed Ex, how about paying a little more for Ex and getting the video in minutes, not days.
3DTV. Imagine watching HBO's showcase, The Sopranos, and having the mobsters surround you in your family room. It would certainly spice up those precious 16 episodes Home Box doles out every year. With a little effort, you could even interact with the gangsters. Of course, something must be done about those damned 3D glasses.
Personal TV: It's right there for the taking, as evidenced by the popularity of the most base of interactive program guides. Maybe do it through the Web, but without the look and feel of the Web. And, yes, there's the old standby of ordering a pizza over your TV or getting more information about a product via a Web link. With hard drives in set-tops and so-called "thin clients," there's a lot more that can be done to personalize the television viewing experience than just video-on-demand. It's custom made for a broadband network - not a narrowband twisted pair or satellite signal.
TV is a lean-back experience. Throw too much at people and they'll throw it back in your face. Give them something neat and they'll eat it up and demand seconds.
Rather than giving consumers a different version of what they already have - they can go to the store and rent a VHS tape or a DVD - take the quantum leap and give them something compellingly different.
Aim that Atlas rocket at the moon. Maybe it'll land on the sofa.
Comments may be addressed to: jimyouslut at . But you already know that.
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